Why I am Embarking upon my 2018 London Marathon Journey

YES, as crazy as it sounds, I am running the 2018 London Marathon for my chosen charity Heads Together.

For those of you who know me, you will know that I have never really had a history of being a runner, Gymnastics and Dance have always been more my thing alongside not being able to do anything due to injury, but hey, I wanted a new challenge, and a challenge it will be to run 26.2 miles for charity.

So now my story and why Heads Together?

I have thought long and hard about publishing my story for everyone to see as a wave of vulnerability and fear of judgement floods over me, but this makes me realise more than ever that mental health is nothing to be ashamed of and awareness of looking after and healing the suffering caused by mental health issues should receive no more of a reaction than someone with a plaster on a cut knee or a cast on a broken arm.

It is true when people say you never really know what is going on in someone else’s life. People probably think that I’m happy go lucky get up and go Liv… of which I am, but in January behind the positive front I tried to portray, I was starting to crumble inside. It was then that I had my first experience with the challenges of mental health in the form of anxiety and acute panic disorder. Exam season at university can be stressful at the best of times and I thought that this was something I could deal with pretty well but this time it was different. I constantly worried about the fear of failure, that I wasn’t good enough, that I would fail my degree and that I couldn’t remember anything or I had not studied hard enough. This resulted in days filled with multiple panic attacks, shaking and uncontrollable crying on the floor with my chest tightening so much I couldn’t breathe, feeling trapped in a body that I didn't want to be in. This made it really difficult for me to carry on with my everyday life; leaving the house was a big issue, coaching my Contemporary Dance class was a struggle and eating due to the constant feeling of nausea felt near on impossible.

Then March hit and after suffering for months with what I now call ‘dark days’ – those where I feel empty and numb, don’t see the point in anything and where the get up and go Liv has got up and gone, I took the advice of those around me and plucked up the courage to seek help with an extra push from my amazingly brilliant friend Sisley for getting me through the doctor's surgery door. This for me was one of the scariest yet proudest things I have ever done in my life. Scared of being judged and opening up about how I was feeling but proud of finally realising that I was not invincible and in order to start getting better, I needed a little extra help along the way.

I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression, and the number of days spent in bed through exhaustion from putting on a front for so long yet wide awake from insomnia became more frequent. The first round of medication that I was prescribed made me super drowsy. Within 30 minutes of taking it I would be completely out of it for at least 15 hours and when I woke the next day, I would be constantly tired and often find myself falling asleep. To me, this was no way of getting better. I found myself asleep more often than I was awake and the simplest of tasks like having a shower were incredibly difficult.

After swapping medication, days started to slowly get better one by one. Of course, I still had and get bad days but now they are less frequent. I kick started my routine of going back to the gym everyday and used this as a head clearing exercise, finding that sticking to this made me feel better. I started to feel like the old me again and that my life was back in control. I was able to prepare well and achieve highly in my summer exams and finally accept that suffering from depression does not define who I am, nor should it be a taboo subject to talk about.

I hope that being brave and sharing my story makes people realise that even the most unexpected people can suffer from mental health issues and talking about it to raise awareness needs to be increased. It is nothing to be ashamed of, it does not make you any less of a person, or change who you are. It does not make you weak, in fact, it just shows how strong you actually are by battling through the bad days.

And trust me when I say it will get better, because it does.

If you had told me at the beginning of the year that I would now be in a much brighter place or planning to run the London marathon, I would not have believed you for one second, but I look at where I am today and how far I’ve come since speaking out and seeking help and urge you to do the same if you are ever in need.

At the moment, life is pretty good. I am in a much better headspace than where I was in January with the target of being medication free by next summer. I’m working hard on my placement year at a leading Investment Bank and am still on track for a First Class Honours Degree. I am continuing to be a life loving person, doing all sorts of wonderful things, from meeting new people to climbing the O2 in London. Team Luker continues to be as supportive and loving as ever and my pals who have helped me through the darkest of days still remain a big part of my ‘go-to’ network and for that I cannot love and thank them enough. I know for sure that I will come across difficult days throughout my training but long may the brighter days continue. 

I have chosen to run for and be part of #TeamHeadsTogether because they are working to reduce the stigma surrounding mental health and promoting that it is #OkToSay as this is what I have found the hardest thing to confront and am still overcoming now but am learning how important it is.

So, I'm talking about Mental Health...will you?